Good Friends are a Healthy Sign

By Kevin Murphy, M.Sc.,
Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist
Dublin, Ireland.


Having good friends on whom we can rely is central in most people’s lives. Friends are the people, other than our families, who care for us, accept us for who and what we are, who share the same ideas, tastes, beliefs and who are there to support us in our times of need.
A friend in need is a true friend indeed, as the saying goes. Hollywood movies thrive on this concept, TV sitcoms would be lost without it and novels would be particularly empty of plot points if it wasn’t for the existence of trusty friends.
Not only do they offer support and companionship and warmth and humour throughout our lives, they also offer points of identification for us that make up the very fabric of who we are.
In the same way that we borrow bits of them, they borrow bits of us. That’s why you can tell good friends by the way they seem so content in each other’s company and how they can communicate with each other without needing to say very much. They have, if you like, swapped and shared so much in common that they are almost like siblings except there is no blood connection.
And that other old phrase, ‘you can tell a man by the company he keeps’, lets us know that we are equally reflected in those we choose as friends. Some people believe that body language is a key indicator of the true nature of a person but you can tell as much as you need to know about someone, and often in a fraction of the time, by the friends they have.
You can often see this clearly in children and teenagers. Their behaviour and value systems are shaped by the wider peer group and the smaller circle of close friends they have around them. If a child or a teenager is displaying troublesome behaviour then you can often find similar behavioural patterns within their group.
Children who begin drinking alcohol early or engaging in premature sexual behaviour or smoking or drug taking or engaging in anti-social behaviour are usually learning it from or having it reinforced by their peer group.
Equally, we often measure the healthy development of children and teenagers, and even adults, by the very existence of friends. Those without friends cause just as much concern to their families as those who have the wrong types of friends.
I began thinking about this when someone described to me recently an experience they had with a group of their friends. These friends were very quick to pick up on a number of this person’s failings and to talk about them openly and not always kindly.
What struck me was that when this person described some of these hurtful comments there would always be a reference to the people who made them as ‘friends’. This naturally prompted me to ask the question: ‘What kind of friends are these?’
This was an adult who up to recently thought they had enjoyed the company of these people but the subtle effect they were having was a negative one. It had been going on for some time and it always left the person feeling negative about themselves, doubting themselves, feeling inadequate and unworthy and confused.
This was not a healthy situation but the idea of having friends was so important that this person was prepared to accept what was happening, dismiss it as an over-active imagination, in order to feel they belonged to the group. The lure of belonging is a very powerful one.
Coincidentally, this same person met a new group of friends and it was through this that the behaviour of the first group became clearer. The second group of friends were inclusive, interested and interesting and there was a marked absence of negative, personally-directed comment.
We often hear it said that it is wise to steer away from negative people. But we can often choose a person or persons as a friend before we know their true nature. Equally we can often be at a place in our lives where we desperately need someone to call a friend. And, in fairness, most people appear interesting and fun when we first meet them. But once a bond of friendship has been established there are some whose true colours shine through, and not always in a good way.
That is why it is so important to maintain a strong sense of who we are and who our friends are. Are they having a negative effect on our sense of confidence and esteem? Do they criticize and undermine our qualities? Are we on an equal footing with them or do they see us as somehow inferior? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you need to examine the relationship a little more closely.
Mutually empowering friendships are vital for a fully rounded approach to life. They are a positive indicator of our mental health. But friendships that seek to dominate us, demean us, exploit or control us, are not true friendships. If you see it happening, it is time to redress the balance or move on. And if you can’t change it or move on, then it is time to ask questions of yourself.