The Lure of the Norm – 2

By Kevin Murphy, M.Sc.,
Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist
Dublin, Ireland.


Last week I wrote about the effect that norms have on our lives. I’ve come back to the issue this week because there are a number of other important ways in which norms impinge on us, and not always in a positive way.
A client of mine has lived as a single person for many years and even though they would ideally like a partner and a companion, this client nevertheless leads a productive and fulfilled life. The group of friends this client socialises with are all in couples and any who do become single don’t remain so for very long. My client, therefore, is often the only one who is single in a more or less continuous way.
The interesting thing is that this client can sustain two very different positions at the same time. On the one hand there are moments when life can be lonely and when a companion, lover, partner, is something that would make all the difference. On the other hand, this client can lead a full and productive life, always engaging in new projects, living a financially independent lifestyle with a good circle of friends and with the freedom to do what they wish, when they wish.
The norm of being in a relationship is something that this client is aware of, particularly from the examples of friends and, indeed, from the wider society. Movies, books, TV and magazines are also brimming with the message that completeness and happiness lie within the human relationship. This is the culture in which this client, no more than the rest of us, belongs and that is something to be accepted.
Occasionally one of this client’s friends will offer a helpful suggestion as to ways that a partner could be attracted: a different style of presenting oneself, a different method of socialising, a different ‘look’ and so on. Curiously, it is times like this that my client finds most upsetting. Living as a single person; being different to the norm; the day to day realities of earning a living; socialising as a single person and dealing with life’s ups and downs without the benefit of a supportive other, are all manageable.
But when friends verbally apply the norm of the dual relationship lifestyle in the form of ‘helpful’ advice then it becomes problematic. By suggesting ways in which my client can ‘fix’ their single situation there is the implicit message that it is a wrong or flawed or unsatisfactory way to live. Now the norm is being actively applied rather than just passively accepted.
The effect is, as I mentioned last week, to create an insider-outsider way of thinking. Anyone who complies with the norm is on the inside and therefore is ‘ok’. Anyone outside the norm is made to feel as if there is something wrong with them.
An interesting question arises from this: why is it that those outside the so-called norm appear to have a greater understanding of issues such as diversity and pluralism than those inside it? We can all agree with the liberal viewpoint that there are many ways of living one’s life but in practise we can be quite conservative and prescriptive about how it should be done.
The lure of the norm can have an effect not only on the way we see others but on the way we see ourselves. When someone comes to therapy you often find that they tell their story in broad strokes. They will describe things they have done or said or thought or felt in terms of it being ‘just the way other people’ do or say or think or feel. There is a comfort in this. It makes them feel normal, just like everybody else.
But there is also a negative side to it. When we are like everybody else we stop being ourselves. And that is what psychoanalytic psychotherapy is searching for: the person behind the complex of identifications and projections that make up our social selves. For behind our social selves there is another us; the one that is not being heard, the one whose life is not being lived; the one whose needs are not being met.
The only way of finding out who this person is and what this person truly wants is to stop imagining that we are ‘just like everyone else’. In broad terms yes we are but in a particular sense we most definitely are not. And so the business of therapy is to find the vocabulary, the words, to describe this person more accurately and more precisely; to use fresh, new words that do not apply to everyone else in general or anyone else in particular.
We are looking for the words that refer only to the client’s uniquely individual life. It is what is often referred to in the text books as the search for ‘subjective truth’. It is the furthest thing from cliché or normative descriptions or hand-me-down opinions of oneself that you can get. That is the goal of therapy; that something new and unique is found where something old and general used to be.

The Lure of the Norm - 1

By Kevin Murphy, M.Sc.,
Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist,
Dublin, Ireland.

It’s good to feel like everyone else. The world seems so much more understandable. Things fit where they should fit and fall into their proper place. If we think and act like everyone else then we have evidence that what we think and do is ok. Why is it ok? Because everyone else does it, so it must be ok.
As circular thinking goes, the idea of a norm to which we can all aspire, and from which we can all direct our lives, is a comforting thought. Apart from giving us a sense of who we are and where we belong, norms can also give us a very useful way of judging unacceptable behaviour in ourselves and others. It is impossible to imagine murder becoming an acceptable norm. Or violence, or crime, or physical abuse, and you can probably make an even bigger list.
Norms have their uses. But there is another side to them. You often hear distressed people say,‘I just want to be normal, lead a normal life, do normal things’. It is the verbal expression of the desire to live the way others seem to live, without difficulty or fear or depression or addiction or phobias or oppression or discomfort with whatever the norm happens to be. As a desire, it makes sense. We move towards norms quite naturally. Sometimes we do it so well there is almost a homogenization of personality going on. Look at clubs or gangs or other tightly knit groupings within society.
But what if we don’t match the norms? Those who don’t are often made to feel like outcasts, sometimes bullied, or victimized or made to suffer varying forms of injustice. Those who don’t accept, or who cannot comply with the norm due to physical, emotional or intellectual limitations are judged harshly. If someone doesn’t fit that standard, then they can’t belong. Equally, those who actively choose not belong deserve what they get.
Different people can find themselves outside 'the norm' at different times in their lives. Sometimes they know why they are there but sometimes they don’t. Some cope by denying what is happening and you find this in addictions of all kinds and in some personality disorders. Others will believe they are unworthy to belong and you find this in anxiety and mood disorders. Some believe the norms are just plain wrong and continue to live as they believe they should. You see this most clearly in the area of sexuality and gender identity.
Does that mean that anyone outside the norm is wrong? No, throughout history there have been plenty of examples of norms that are not just or equitable or appropriate. Even in contemporary society you can see examples of this. Think of sub-sectors of society where physical appearance is paramount, or financial wealth, or liberal sexual values, or personal and corporate greed, or even drug or alcohol use.
If you look hard enough you can even find norms that are publicly accepted yet privately rejected. Enjoying good mental health is one such. It has a paradoxical relationship with society. Everyone agrees that it is a good idea and an essential requirement for a full life. And yet ensuring it through therapy is more often than not seen as a sign of weakness rather than strength.
New norms are continuously being devised and old ones discarded but we have yet to embrace the norm of personal enquiry into our own psychical lives. That would involve a true examination of the norms by which we live.
Next week I'm going to return to this topic in order to look at one or two other ways in which norms effect our lives, in sometimes negative ways.